Friday, December 10, 2004

 

Girls on video

Adam Carolla has this great rant that he often does on Loveline about how he hates the way porn movies are titled these days. The gist of his rant was that he never realized just how embarrassing and offensive the titles were becoming until he called a video store to see if they had a copy of “Lick Me, Fuck Me.” He said he ended up having to call the store back three times, because every time he mentioned the movie’s title, the clerk would hang up on him.

Okay. First of all- I’d give anything for the chance to travel back in time and listen in on that phone conversation. Just hearing Carolla describe the humiliation of having to ask the store clerk for “Lick Me, Fuck Me” is always enough to have me doubled over with laughter. That story never gets old, no matter how many times he repeats it. Secondly, the increasingly offensive titling of porn movies is something that has also bothered me for years. Every time I walk into a video store I always find myself cringing in disbelief at some of the titles these people come up with to sell their videos. Earlier this week I was telling Michelle/Elle/Ella about some of the ridiculous titles I saw when I was at Adult Heat. Here’s a list of a few of the more colorful titles, and- believe me- I’m not making any of these up.

Bust That Black Ass
Fucking Assholes
Fuck Me Good
Stick Your Pole in My Rear Hole
Assault That Ass
Dick-Filled Babes
Black Cum Guzzlers
Young Chicks Who Drink Dicks
Hittin’ Dat White Azz

Now I realize that these movies aren’t exactly ambitious, award winning works of art, but do the titles have to be so vulgar? I think it’s safe to assume that if I’m in an adult video store, then I have a pretty good idea of what these videos are all about. I really don’t think it’s necessary to lure me in with titles like “Ball Draining Whores,” or “All Dat Pussy.” Trust me, I was sold as soon as I turned the DVD case over and saw the stills of Mary Carey doing things with a massive black dildo that up until then I’d thought were physically impossible. I don’t need the creepy, aggressively offensive titles to convince me to part with my hard earned cash.

It makes it even more difficult for me to defend porn when so many of the movies have these crude, blatantly misogynistic titles. Now, I know that there are plenty of people out there who are disgusted by the very idea of porn, and think that it’s all harmful and offensive to women. I don’t necessarily agree with that. Sure, there are videos on the market that truly are repulsive and potentially harmful (The repugnant Bang Bus series is one that immediately comes to mind). But I have a hard time getting behind the idea that all adult movies are degrading to women. Anyone who really believes that falls into the same category as the people who think “All reality TV shows are crap,” or “All movies starring Ernie Reyes Jr. should be cleansed from existence. Okay, now that I think about it, the Ernie Reyes Jr. people might actually have a point there.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say in my own rambling, inarticulate way is that I don’t see anything degrading about two consenting adults having sex in a roomful of cameras. It’s when you factor in other elements like the marketing and packaging of the video, when things have the potential to take a turn for the offensive.

Edited to add: I forgot to mention one title that I actually liked, because it made me laugh out loud. It was a she-male video called “She Said Suck My Cock…And She Meant It!” I think it was the exclamation point that got me. G’night folks!

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