Plugged in and ready to fall

I was talking to a friend today about Aronofsky’s Watchmen adaptation, and how I think it’s doomed to fail. I’m a huge fan of the graphic novel, and I’d be all for a film adaptation if I thought it would work. But there’s just no way in hell that you could possibly take Alan Moore’s story and turn it into a film without stripping it of everything that made it so unique. Unlike the X-Men and Spider-Man, Watchmen is the kind of story that doesn’t provide you with a whole lot of leeway plot-wise. Because it has a specific beginning, middle, and an end, the filmmakers are stuck with the impossible task of trying to cram 416 pages of character development and back story into a two hour movie.

And what about that ending? Are audiences really going to want an ending where the good guys don’t save the day and walk off into the sunset while an Aerosmith song plays in the background? They’re setting themselves up for failure by even attempting to condense such a dark, complex story into a crowd-pleasing super hero movie. It’s not going to work. It’d be like trying to turn Clive Barker’s Sacrament into a family sitcom.

There are countless other comic book properties that would make much better films. The Authority’s a great example. I’d love to see this comic translated to the silver screen. It’s got all the elements of a really cool, big-budget, sci-fi/action movie. Just think about it: You’ve got a sentient spacecraft the size of a small planet that’s capable of phasing between realities. An openly gay superman-type who could lay waste to an entire continent without breaking a sweat. A sadistic, leather-clad vigilante who’s virtually unbeatable because he can run a thousand different fight scenarios in his head before his opponent has even thrown the first punch. And my personal favorite; Jenny Sparks, a tough, chain-smoking Brit who could take out half the Marvel Universe with one hand tied behind her back.

I once read an interview where Warren Ellis said that The Authority is essentially the Justice League; the only difference being that the Authority likes to fight dirty. That’s why I think these characters would go over so well with moviegoers. They’re not these one-dimensional boy/girl scouts who won’t kill the bad guy because of some strict moral code. They’ll do whatever it takes to stop the power-hungry super villain from blowing up the planet, even if it means murdering him, and every single one of his henchmen in cold blood.

For me, that was always the most fascinating thing about the Authority. The idea of a super group so committed to making the world a safer place, that they don’t see anything wrong with breaking the law as long as the ends justify the means. It’s a pretty bold (and disturbing) take on the whole Super Team genre. I’d love to see this comic get the Hollywood treatment with someone like Alex Proyas or Ridley Scott behind the camera.

In other news: The AC in my car sucks. I had it turned up to “3” today and it still felt like I was driving through the bowels of Hell. At this point, I think it’d be more effective if I just paid a drifter to sit in the passenger’s seat and blow on me.